Tall
by Penname wa Silver B
Summary: One night while hard at work on REAL SCIENCE, Professor Membrane gets an interesting transmission...
1. Strange Transmissions

(A/N: A fic named "Short", and now a fic named "Tall." Yeah, I'm real creative with titles. Anywho, this fanfic is about our own Professor Membrane, because he's awesome and isn't acknowledged nearly enough. I only have a little bit done so far... more will probably be added, depending on review and inspiration levels.

Disclaimer: I don't own Professor Membrane, his awesomeness or anything else in this fanfic.)

Tall

REAL science is happening! After all, this is the official home basement lab of Professor Membrane - REAL science is always happening in the official home basement lab of Professor Membrane! That and REAL toast... REAL toast likes to happen in the official home basement lab of Professor Membrane too.

As was to be expected, Professor Membrane was doing REAL sciencey things, like pouring a beaker of dangerous explosive compounds into a beaker of less-than-safe corrosive acids. I'm not sure what this was accomplishing, but then, I'm not a scientist. Membrane brushed a few crumbs of REAL toast from his fashionably high collar and scribbled something down that involved cosines - I think they were cosines. I'm even less of a mathematician than I am a scientist.

Suddenly, Professor Membrane punctuated the quiet atmosphere of REAL science with a resounding "A-HA! THIS is the solution I've been looking for! I will contact those other people I contact when I come up with solutions now on my mega-jumbo screen of DOOM!" And, pressing an ominous-looking red button which caused a ginormous screen to lower out of the ceiling, he proceeded to do just that. Static buzzed over the screen and out of the speakers teeth-gratingly, so Professor Membrane grated his teeth and reached for the dial which would tune the transmitters to the top-secret frequency that would allow him to contact those other science guys. Before he could reach it though, he paused. Adjusting his goggles curiously, he stared hard at the screen. Amongst the snow, he could make out something green. Two somethings. Moving in a way Membrane had never known green somethings to move. Strange voices filtered through the huge and expensive speakers set up at strategic locations throughout the lab, and, curiosity getting the better of him, Membrane finally reached down and turned the dial. Rather than turning it to the frequency for contacting other scientists, however, he instead turned it slowly the other way; the visual and audio reception cleared of static drastically, and then the green somethings became all too clear.

"Zim, entertain - I mean, brief us on your latest," one green thing commanded in a muffled voice. Both green things were humanoid, tall and extremely lean, with insectoid faces and highly technological robes that matched their eyes, one in red and one in purple. The red one had spoken, and its voice was muffled because it was pigging out on what looked like a bag of neon blue cheese puffs, while the purple one helped itself to a bucket of gelatinous orange slop. In the background, what was clearly the interior of an advanced alien spaceship could be seen, controls tended to by shorter versions of the first two aliens in red outfits as stylishly high-collared as Membrane's own.

The connection must have been working both ways, because the purple one squinted at the Professor, elbowed its partner in its ridiculously spindly side and remarked, orange glop dripping from its mouth, "Hey... that's not Zim." Shocked from his intrigued stupor by this recognition, Professor Membrane backed away from the screen, nearly knocking over the table behind him.

"Aliens!" he choked out, finding his voice and pointing at them dramatically. "ALIENS!" The purple one had found a slurpee and sucked on it carelessly now, while the red one just looked at Membrane as though he'd screamed "THE SKY IS BLUE!" (It was late night, so the sky was actually a darkish gray tainted by the encroaching green of pollution, but you know what I mean.) Fortunately, Professor Membrane quickly recovered and assumed a professional, REAL sciencey stance of diplomacy.

"I - I mean, ahem. You are aliens, aren't you?" Professor Membrane queried, raising an eyebrow seriously.

"Duh," the purple one deadpanned around the slurpee's straw. Ask a stupid question, get a real half-assed answer. Professor Membrane tried again.

"An extraterrestrial encounter! Just imagine it!" he said, growing more enthused by the second. "What is your location? What are your prime objectives? Uh - take me to your leader!" He couldn't resist that last one - it was hard enough not to say "I come in peace!"

"We're the Tallest. We _are_ our leaders," Red (as Membrane had decided to think of him) informed dryly. "Hey - give us _your_ location. Maybe we can get around to blowing your planet u - "

"Wait!" Purple interrupted, looking at Membrane as though seeing him for the first time. "You're rather... tall, aren't you?" Membrane was startled.

"Well... yes, I am tall," he admitted truthfully, though lost on what that had to do with anything. Red and Purple observed him closely, acquiring growingly pleased looks.

"_Very_ tall," Red grinned hungrily. "What planet are you on?"

"I am Professor Membrane of the planet EARTH!" the Professor announced proudly. The Tallest's grins grew together.

"Excellent," Red purred. "We'll see you soon." The transmission ended.


	2. They're Heeeeere

(A/N: 16 reviews for one chapter? WOW! Sorry for the lag in updating, but I was having fun writing Alienated. Anyway, enjoy :)

Disclaimer: I still don't own Professor Membrane, his awesomeness or anything else in this fanfic.)

* * *

Chapter Two

"Get back here, ZIM! I'll stop your evil alien plan! Wallabies or no wallabies!" Dib hollered, racing after Zim as quickly as his small legs could carry him. As he stopped to catch his breath, a distance ahead of him, Zim stopped to gloat.

"HAH! Inferior stink-beast! You don't stand a chance against the INGENIOUS plans of ZIIIIIIM!" Laughing, Zim pulled Minimoose out of his Pak, hopped on it and flew away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!" Seething, Dib gave up and stomped toward home. Blocky and bizarre, with its built-in stargazing roof and lawns surrounded by laser fields - home. Dib invited himself in and, acknowledging his thirst, headed for the kitchen.

"Hey Dad," he greeted, seeing his father at the kitchen table, fiddling with what looked like a transmission device.

"Son!" His father snapped to attention. "I'm expecting some very important visitors, and I need to make a good first impression. That means, if I see any walking dead..."

"I know, Dad, I know," Dib muttered, opening the fridge and helping himself to a Poop cola. He had long ago ceased caring about what his father did. He was just climbing the stairs to his room, when he was startled by the noise of a large aircraft coming from outside.

"ZIM!" The name leapt to his mind as he scrambled to get outside as quickly as he could, nearly tripping down the staircase in the process. Once out, staring up at the sky only confirmed his suspicions. Dib's heart caught in his throat as he watched the clouds part unnaturally. Throughout the neighborhood, people stopped whatever they were doing as a shadow spread across the urban settlement for miles and miles. Whatever was coming in for a landing... it was massive.

Completely oblivious to the gusting wind being caused by the turbulence, not to mention the sight of his son paralyzed with fear, Membrane came out of the house and looked up brightly. "Oh, good! That must be them now," he said. Right out of a scifi film, an immense red spacecraft lowered toward them.

"It's going to crush everything!" Dib cried. Fortunately, he was wrong; the spacecraft came to a stop about 50 feet off the ground, completely disobeying gravity and probably several other laws of physics. A circular opening appeared in the ship's broad underside, and a swirling ramp (shaped almost like a DNA strand) twirled out of it for a while, only stopping when it touched the ground fifty feet below. A scarlet conveyor belt ran its length, like an escalator with no steps, and though so far up Dib could make out little, he suspected something would be joining them very soon.

And this time, right he was; several figures, somewhat taller than himself, in high-collared crimson robes, by and by came closer into sight as they rode the red belt down. And, standing guarded in the center and more than twice as tall, were two figures, one in red and one in purple. By their green skin and insectoid features, Dib recognized their species immediately.

"DAD!" Dib shrieked, pointing to the creatures frantically as he looked to his father. "DAD! Those are Zim's leaders! I told you they were coming, I TOLD you! But you didn't listen, nooo, no one EVER listens, but I was right, I was RIGH - "

"Greetings, and welcome to planet Earth!" Professor Membrane said cordially, holding out a hand as the rulers hovered lightly off the ramp, still circled by suspicious guards. Red eyed the gloved hand ponderously, then let his eyes trail down and then back up the length of Membrane's stature studiously, lastly meeting the Professor's face with a grin.

"Oh, it's great to be here... Membrane, right?" Red replied, grinning more at the Professor's nod. Dib wiped some spittle from the sides of his mouth (he tended to get a little worked up on these "YOU'LL-ALL-SEE-HOW-RIGHT-I-AM-SOMEDAY" rants) and viewed this exchange with no small amount of puzzlement.

"Um... Dad. Those aren't your visitors, are they?" he asked dryly, even as he knew the answer.

"Well of course we are, little big-headed thing!" Purple said to Dib, then to Membrane: "This your, uhh... customary pet monkey?"

"DAD!"

"Son, actually," Membrane corrected, though not overly concerned by the mistake.

"Close enough," Red resolved. Dib looked back and forth between his father and the aliens, disbelieving of his father's polite diplomacy toward these space monsters. Before he could object, however, a high-pitched voice in the distance caught his attention.

"MY TALLEST! MY TALLEST! YOU'RE HERE!" Zim came running up on foot, causing Dib to wonder why he wasn't riding on GIR or Minimoose. "I saw that your ship had arrived! This is the wrong house, though... my base is down that way." Zim pointed that way.

"Hello, little foreign child!" Professor Membrane turned to the Tallest. "This is my son's little foreign friend."

"Uh... right," Red said, recognizing Zim's voice immediately. "Hello there... foreign child." Purple chuckled a little.

"My Tallest! Oh, I see. You must not recognize me with my INGENIOUS disguise on," Zim concluded, removing his contacts and wig.

"SEE DAD! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOOOOOUUUUUUU!" screeched Dib, who had been too overwhelmed by this... overwhelming evidence of alien life to speak previously. Even some of the neighbors were looking over at immense spectacle hovering overhead in trepid curiosity. In fact, his paranormal sense was now experiencing extreme overload, and he was soon reduced to pointing all around wildly while foaming at the mouth and making "A-HA" noises. No one, including Membrane, bothered to pay attention.

'Well, you must be tired after your journey through COLD HEARTLESS SPACE," Membrane commented, gesturing dramatically where it was appropriate. "So, why don't you come inside and make yourselves at home?"

"Yeah, that sounds great," Red replied, following Membrane inside as his fellow Tallest and personal guards trailed after.

"That's GOOD, my Tallest!" Zim shouted helpfully as they left. "Lure the pitiful human inside... then DESTROY him!"

"A-**HA! A-HA! _AAAAA-HAAAAAAA!_**" Dib frothed, spasming frenetically on the ground and pointing at Zim intensely. "Aaaaaa-**_HHAAAAAAAAAAAA._**" Zim flinched and stepped back carefully.


	3. Zombie Cupcakes!

(A/N: Looky-loo! It's an update, 'tis! Man I'm tired. I'm glad you guys have enjoyed this fic so much, and am very sorry it so long to get a new chapter up, but what with college and computer crashing sending all I'd written spiraling into the black depths of HELL, it was only a matter of time before excruciating writer's block set in. But, uh, I'm back now! So enjoy.

Disclaimer: Invader ZIM belongs to that funny guy with the name everyone spells wrong and green slime fiends. Neither of which are me, though I envy them. Oh, how I envy them.)

Chapter Three

Upon entering the household, the alien leaders were greeted by the sight of two zombies doing battle over a pink-frosted cupcake conveniently placed between them on the living room floor, while a mechanical arm held out a cup of coffee and offered it to the dueling undead incessantly. As Red and Purple looked on first in puzzlement, then began placing bets (Purple was sure the one missing a lower jaw had the advantage), Membrane held his head and muttered darkly, "Oh, that son of mine..."

"What was that?" Red asked; Purple grabbed a picture frame off the wall and threw it at Red's zombie while the other was distracted, improving his odds of winning the bet. The zombie groaned as his neck snapped at a 90-degree angle, but seemed no worse off for it and knocked off his opponent's arm, much to Purple's dismay.

"Oh, nothing," the Professor laughed, then motioned for them to follow. "I, uh, have always preferred the kitchen." As the three made their way to the kitchen and Purple whined about missing the zombie fight, one zombie pushed the other onto the coffee-serving arm, which stuck out of his rotten stomach and continued to offer coffee. Unable to dislodge himself, the trapped zombie groaned sadly as the other devoured the cupcake in triumph - then spat it out upon realizing it wasn't a brain, after all.

In the kitchen, Membrane poured himself a cup of non-zombie-contaminated coffee and sat down at the table, inviting the Tallest to do the same. Once they were seated, two coffee cups rose up out of the table, their entrance holes closing seamlessly shut behind them. Red poked his curiously while Purple proceeded to down the whole cup.

"Uh, I wouldn't - " Membrane warned too late, as Purple began to scream and gasp in pain - as if it weren't bad enough the coffee was scalding, his Irken allergies to water-based fluids were acting up.

"That was stupid," Red commented without a hint of pity. Purple only screamed more in reply.

"GASP! That man - alien... man... is choking!" Membrane cried (no less dramatic for his vocal foibles), shaking an index finger at Purple's prone form as totally unnecessary special effects flooded the background. Stage truly was Membrane's second love, science being of course his first; he had various special effect-makers hidden all around the house in case of sudden drama.

"Ooh, lasers," Red commented admiringly, coughing slightly and fanning a two-fingered hand as a cloud of purple smoke dissipated. Purple might have enjoyed the smoke more, if it hadn't been so thick low to the floor where he was, resulting in him breathing in several alien-organfuls and aggravating his sensitive throat. Fortunately, a dazzling yellow-and-green starburst signified importance as Membrane pulled out of his pocket a humongous oblong pill labeled "THA COFFEE-DEESTROYZER 6000".

"Here, swallow this!" Membrane commanded, proffering the gigantic pill as he knelt down and held Purple's head up with his free hand.

"Actually, I think that's a little big to - " Purple managed hoarsely, just before having it shoved down his esophagus. He managed to swallow it, with a great deal of difficulty. Gasping for air afterward, Purple suddenly perked his antennae. "Hey... I do feel better!" he cried, surprised.

"Of course! One must never doubt the effectiveness of THA COFFEE-DEESTROYZER 6000!" Membrane replied loudly, his voice echoing strangely at the end of the sentence as he shook a fist... then realized his free hand was still holding Purple up. Purple didn't seem to mind too much, though.

"Oh, ah, ahem," Membrane amended, pulling his hand away and blushing slightly behind his collar. "So, now that that's taken care of, let's continue the tour, shall w - "

"I know something I'd like to tour," Red grinned, coming up from behind the Professor and hissing into his ear seductively, walking the fingers on one hand up the human's back to come to a rest on his shoulder, gripping it tightly.

"Oh. Uh, well..." Beads of perspiration appeared on Membrane's forehead.

"Me, too," Purple smiled, getting up only to cling to Membrane's arm suggestively.

"Hah! Is it hot in here?" Membrane cried nervously, tugging at his collar with a finger.

"_Yes!_" Red and Purple replied in unison, and tackled Membrane together.

---

Zim growled, long and low, as he watched the events playing out on the screen before him. He'd planted some cameras in the Membrane household some time ago, which meant he had full voyeuring access to the kitchen, which was currently the set of something out of a xenophilic porn movie. Red and Purple had turned the table on its side, and somehow managed to strap a naked Membrane to it with twisty ties, where they proceeded to take advantage of him (though the nature of his moans indicated he probably didn't mind as much as he pretended to). Irkens didn't have genitalia, true - but Membrane did, and with those tongues and teeth, they certainly didn't need any to pleasure him. Zim growled again as he watched with glaring, bulging eyes, clenching the control panel before him and dragging his claws down it, leaving long clawmarks.

"That _human,_" he seethed, pounding the control panel as his voice escalated into infuriated shouts, "doesn't DESERVE the Tallest! Those are MY Tallest! MINE! _ZIM'S! I_ should be the one doing... _stuff_ to them in that FILTHY human food preparation chamber!" Nevermind that the Tallest were the ones doing the doing. "GrrrARR! How did he DO it! That horribly disgusting Earth-beast! Seducing the Tallest so quickly when the almighty ZIM could not! I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!" Zim kicked the base of the control panel in his rage and yowled as his foot smarted. "I HATE HIM!" Zim threw a snarly fit for a while, until the temper tantrum was out of his system. After this, his already fierce glare narrowed until it was downright sinister. "The stink-monster must be destroyed."

"I LIKE DESTRUCTION!" GIR screeched from the background. "AND DOOM!" Zim looked in the robot's direction briefly, then let a nasty grin overtake his expression.

"Yesss," he gloated, already plotting eagerly as he tapped his claws together in typical villainous fashion. "That's right, GIR... destruction and doom for the dirty human! Destruction and DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" With that, he broke into a bout of hysterical (albeit slightly bitter) laughter. Truly, Professor Membrane's destructiony doom was incredibly nigh.

---

Now the trouble with being a parent is that with parenthood inevitably come little chiddlers bent on emotionally scarring themselves by inadvertently walking in on said parent in the middle of something personal. Which is exactly what Dib did. Who'd've thought members of the household might walk into the KITCHEN in hopes of acquiring foodstuffs?

Dib took it surprisingly well. Unnoticed by the fornicators within, he slipped out of the kitchen almost as swiftly as he'd slipped in, and quietly made his way to Gaz's room, wherein Gaz was carrying on an epic battle with alien lifeforms.

"Shoot the ground! SHOOT THE GROUND!" one of the Tallest's guards screamed at another.

"No! Stop distracting me!" the other screeched in reply, fingers working at the video game controls frantically in a futile attempt to beat Gaz at Vampire Piggies Multiplayer XICVZPLMS. With all the might of a rabid muskrat pouncing on a hapless moose, Gaz smirked and inclined her controller's movement stick ever so slightly, masterfully pounding her opponent into the ground.

"Noooo!" the guard sobbed as his character's health dropped to zero, reluctantly relinquishing his controller to next guard in turn. "I was so clooose..."

"Hey Gaz," Dib greeted in a monotone. "Dad's being raped by horrible alien space monsters. Just thought you'd like to know."

"Whatever," Gaz muttered, executing a perfect triple-kick ingame. "Get out of my room."

"Yeah, okay," Dib consented, twitching vaguely as he left. He had much therapist-worthy material, that boy did.


End file.
